since i was young i was always wondering.. why my life was not the same as what other children were having.. totally differ! totally full of suffering! sometime i do wish that my life is just a dream.. a meaningless dream.. but sometime i do feel like it weird.. like something was hidden somewhere in the middle of my life..
i'm still wondering..
mum.. why she doesnt want to take care of me since in my childlihood..
why she left me to somebody else..
why she never praise me even she clearly in the know that everyone was praising me..
i felt so neglected..
i dont want to feel that way..
sometime i felt i am useless child..
i felt she doesnt love me.. she hate me.. she abandon me..
i even felt that.. mama.. why should i am the one who should undergo this kind of suffering..
why me? why me?
u left me without words..
u just keep advicing me that i must study hard.. cause she know since in i was young i love to study..
i once ever imitate to be my brother to enter his kindergarten when he was sick..
i'm so eagerly to enter school.. but at that time i was only 3 years old..
but unfortunately his teacher was recognized me, and i was chased out from his school..
what an embarrassing situation that time.. haha.. well, at that time i was only 3..
what a brave child i am at that time..
u always keep advicing me to be a good muslimah..
to cover my aurah perfectly,
to act like a true muslimah..
but, at that time it was annoyed me so damn much..
u keep asking me to do what i dont want to do so..
i ever once hate u..
why u treat me that way..
i never understand u..
because i thought u dont ever understood me,
even once..
why i hate u?
why?
i dont want to hate u at that time..
but u..
force me to do so..
berdosa nya ak masa tu..
tp ape sgt yg aku thu..
i just 9 years old at that time..
i never understand u..
understand your feeling..
understand your intention..
understand your bitterness
understand your illness..
but mama..
i know, deep in your heart you actually love me, right?
you would not leave me to somebody else if you dont have a concrete reason why u must to do so..
i know mama..
i know..
even every night when i read book before fall asleep..
i'm cried..
my eyes crying..
even my heart was crying.
i murmured to myself "where are u mama.."
when u are going to pick me mama..
why didnt u bring me with u mama..
i want u mama..
i want u...
u know what mama, why the habit of reading book before sleep keep remind me of u..
it's what u taught me to do since i was so young..
u know what, it's had became my habit till now mama..
i still remember, u said that if we read book before we're going to sleep we will feel sleepy easily..
due to i had a difficulty in sleeping at night,
i was always doing that..
until now mama..
i read book before sleep.. but in the end the book are watching me otherwise.. huhu
it help me so much mama.. thanks mama..
see... i just acknowledge your feeling to me..
now, a little bit i know u love me even u didnt take care of me..
i still remember, during weekend, u taught our sibling acrobatic practises..
wow, mama.. you actually had a talent in those things..
i never know that..
because i dont have much time to get to know u closely..
but at least i know your talent even once..
i still remember your melodious voice mama..
when u read the quran, i even once fell asleep..
what a beautiful alunan bacaan al-quran mama..
i admire u for that..
but mama..
i still remember why u keep scolding me when i'm with u..
everything i do is all wrong in front of your eyes..
once again i ever hate u..
i'm sory mama..
why must i hate u, i know u love me right?
it just my teenage instinct that underwent to rebel..
i used to go against u..
i'm sorry mama.. i dont want to DO that but i'm suffered so much mama..
i know u'd suffering so much too..
i'm sorry mama.. i dont know what you'd feel all this while..
u also so secretive, u keep hiding everything from me..
but me,,
i'm your daughter..
i'm suffer too..
i being neglected..
i didnt get much love from u..
i didnt get much useful knowledge from u..
i'm hurt mama..
hurting from the deep of my heart..
i also want to be love by someone who's we called "mama"..
what all my friends are having..
what all other person have..
the one who'll console me
when i;m sad..
when i wasmsucceed in whatever i do,
when everyone walk out from my life, but u still there for me..
am i too much mama?
i'm sorry mama for ever hate u in my lifetime..
u actually had suffered a lot mama..
esp when the time u gave birth to me..
for wht i know i was twisted upside down during gave birth to me..
and then u fight with your life to give birth to me..
thanks mama..
for giving this precious life to me..
without u i maybe not in this world now..
thanks mama..
i never ever forget u..
i promise i'll never hate u anymore..
i'll keep my promise..
Being a good muslimah.. good role model for my siblings, good student, good wife, good mother, good teacher..
What mama once said, "rintangan pasti melanda, jgn undur walau selangkah, teruskn perjuangan, hgga ke akhirnya, andai gugur, andai syahid, insyaALLAH mujahidah ini diredhaiNya.."
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